The Body Game
Does Christina Hendricks have love handles? Do you think Marilyn Monroe’s stomach was completely flat? Is it alright if my arms jiggle when I move sometimes? I am searching for bodies to validate my own. It’s 3AM and I haven’t eaten all day. I will become thin and beautiful one less meal at a time. I’m going to binge tomorrow. I can feel it. I’m scrolling through my, “thinspo,” and “thinspiration,” blogs. There are hundreds of them bookmarked on my computer; a little den of snakes for my own personal poisoning. I alternate between these and blogs with women with fleshy thighs, wasp-like waits, and breasts spilling out of corsets. I don’t know what my body looks like. There are some mornings when I wake up and watch as all 600 pounds of me waddles towards the mirror. Other mornings, I feel small, bird-like. There are mornings of feeling muscular, curvaceous, scarred, hideous, exceptionally beautiful, and a rainbow of other things, none of which I’m sure if I really am. I am searching for my body; it’s lost somewhere between all of these reflections. It’s 3AM and I hope someday I am happy with my body, but for now I am striving to be content.